The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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