He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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