I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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