I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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