So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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