He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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