Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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