Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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