And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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