dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
