i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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