The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
