I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
