you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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