Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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