I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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