I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
