you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
