Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
