Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
