Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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