Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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