Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
