How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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