seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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