dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
