Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
