So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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