oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
