Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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