Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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