I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
