Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
