I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
