I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
