ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize