I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
