i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
sarcasm needs its own font
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
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