you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
