People in love make me want to vomit
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
