proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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