i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
