I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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