:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Drunk is a universal language darling
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