life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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