I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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