The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It was like getting head from an anaconda
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
