It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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