Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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