PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
