There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I'm passing your future prison.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
