I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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