you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I smell like Dick and happiness
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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