don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
