I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
