dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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