I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
