I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
