i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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