I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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