I got chris browned last night
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
