I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
