Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
