I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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