I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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