so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
