good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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