Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
