Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
